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Welcome to our Pithy Quotes section!

3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited in

A bus station is where a bus stops.

A clear conscience is merely the result of bad mem

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other par

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

A fool and his money are a girl's best friend.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash a

A man without a woman is like a neck without a pai

A penny saved is ridiculous.

A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses u

A train station is where a train stops.

A woman need a man like a fish needs a bicycle.

A woman's favorite position is CEO.

According to my calculations the problem doesn't e

Adults are just kids who owe money.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Air Pollution is a mist-demeaner.

All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and

All computers wait at the same speed.

All generalizations are false, including this one.

All generalizations are false.

All men are animals, some just make better pets

All men are idiots....I married their king.

$All that glitters has a high refractive index.$
All that glitters has a high refractive index.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my ha

Allow me to introduce my selves

Always be sincere, even if you don't mean it

Always remember you're unique just like everyone e

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough se

Ambivalent? Well yes and no....

Anarchy is better than no government at all.

And your crybaby whinny opinion would be...?

Any small object when dropped will hide under a la

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural st

As long as there are tests there will be prayers i

Ask me about my vow of silence.

Atheism is a nonprophet organization.

BAD COP! - NO DONUT!!!

BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

Back Up My Hard Drive? How do I Put it in Reverse?

Bad Hippie, NO Pachulli

Bad spellers of the world untie.

Be nice to your kids...They will pick out your nur

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Better living through denial

Better to understand a little than to misunderstan

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed o

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for t

Born Free and Taxed to Death

Born to party, forced to work

By the time you can make ends meet, they move the

Can I trade this job for what's behind door number

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machin

Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

Church of abstenence is cool

Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular.

Clones are people two.

Conclusion: the place where you got tired of think

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

Conserve toilet paper use both sides

Criminal Lawyer is a redundancy.

Death is Nature's way of saying 'slow down'

Death is life's way of telling you you've been fir

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

Do I have amnesia? I've forgotten

Do witches run spell checkers?

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Don't Steal - The Government hates competition

Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.

Don't drink and drive...You might hit a bump and s

Don't force it, get a larger hammer.

Don't get me mad! I'm running out of places to hid

Don't judge a book by its movie.

Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.

Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sw

Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will s

Dyslexic satan worshipers think they're worshippin

EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets lat

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse get

Early to bed, early to rise makes people suspiciou

Earn cash in your spare time...blackmail friends.

Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

Editing is a rewording activity.

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

Eschew obfuscation.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be i

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't hav

Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to

Fairy tales: horror stories for children to get th

Few women admit their age, Few men act theirs

For every action, there is an equal and opposite g

Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn sign

Friction is a drag.

Friends dont let friends take ugly women home.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

Going the speed of light is bad for your age.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any m

Gravity- It's not just a good idea, it's the LAW!

Grow your own dope, plant a man.

Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.

Guys...just because you have one, doesn't mean you

Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifeti

Hang up and drive.

Happiness is a belt-fed weapon

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off N

He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead

He who laughs last thinks slowest

He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically ch

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at whic

Heart Attacks...God's revenge for eating His anima

Help starve a feeding bureaucrat.

Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply

History does not repeat itself, historians merely

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

How can I miss you if you won't go away?

How do I set my laser printer on stun?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

I Hand signal the 80s

I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries

I am in my happy place

I are proud to be a college student

I believe five out of four people have trouble wit

I brake for... wait... AAAH! NO BRAKES!!!!!

I can't go to work today, the voices said stay hom

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain

I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.

I don't need kids I married one

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute

I doubt, therefore I might be.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel un

I go from zero to bitch in 3.5 seconds

I haven't been the same since that house fell on m

I intend to live forever - so far, so good

I is a college student.

I just got a gun for my wife. It's the best trade

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar terr

I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.

I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working

I love animals, they taste great.

I love cats they taste like chicken

I majored in liberal arts. Would you like fries wi

I may be a cruel and heartless bitch but I'm damn

I may be fat, but you're ugly - I can lose weight!

I pass on grass

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't liste

I smile because I don't know what the hell is goin

I souport publik edekasion

I started out with nothing & still have most of it

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just want

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept fal

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather....

I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be withou

I'd bleed if you shot me in the chest

I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar

I'm in shape. Round's a shape, isn't it?

I'm just driving this way to get you mad.

I'm just working here until a good fast food job o

I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week

I'm not constrained by logic

I'm not driving fast-just flying low.

I'm not losing hair I'm getting head

I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert....

I'm out of bed and dressed, What more do you want?

I'm out of estrogen and I have a gun

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you'v

IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've g

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet

If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astoni

If at first you don't succeed, blame someone else

If everything seems to be going well, you have obv

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, w

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, wha

If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to s

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they

If we call it tourist season why can't we shoot th

If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard

If you are psychic - think "HONK"

If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to

If you don't like the news, go out and make some.

If you look like your passport picture, you probab

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you do

If you're too open minded, your brains will fall o

Impotence - Nature's way of saying NO HARD FEELING

Is it time for your medication or mine?

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal edu

It was recently discovered that research causes ca

It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get

It's bad luck to be superstitious.

It's easier to get forgiveness than permission.

It's hard being this cute

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere

Join the Army, meet interesting people, then kill

Journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash adv

Junk is something you've kept for years and throw

Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has

Keep honking, I'm reloading.

Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.

Learn from your parents' mistakes. Use birth contr

Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.

Life is too complicated in the morning.

Look out for #1. Don't step in #2 either.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better

Make yourself at home .....clean my kitchen

Many people quit looking for work when they find a

Meandering to a different drummer.

Mediocrity thrives on standardization.

Meet your match

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal wit

Men are idiots and I married their king

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!

Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narro

Money is the root of all wealth.

Must be this tall to ride/hug

My hockey mom can beat up your soccer mom

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a g

My karma ran over your dogma.

My other vehicle is a Romulan Warbird!

My presense is your present

My software never has bugs. It just develops rando

Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's off

Never trust a dog to watch your food.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in

Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

No husband has ever been shot while doing the dish

Nobody's perfect. I'm a Nobody.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that

Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented f

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

Of all the things I've lost I miss my mind The m

Often imitated, never duplicated

Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check

On my desk, I have a work station..

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

One Liner sarcastic remarks to get you through the

One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk abo

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Opportunities always look bigger going than coming

Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.

Partnership for an idiot-free America

People who live in stone houses shouldn't throw gl

Pissing off the whole planet one person at a time

Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yest

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Puritanism - The haunting fear that someone somewh

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of

Real women don't have hot flashes, They have power

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle dr

Reality is the only obstacle to happiness.

Redheaded stepchild

Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Pe

Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.

Running is a Mental Sport

SAVE A COW EAT A VEGETARIAN

Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clau

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of i

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Snooze button keeps the dream alive.

So Many Cats, So Few Recipes

So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute.

Some people are only alive because it is illegal t

Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contr

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her

Sorry I missed church I was busy practicing witchc

Sorry, I don't date outside my species.

Sterilize stupid people

Stop honking you'll wake the guy in the my trunk

Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!

Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then nam

Support The Police Beat Yourself Up

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some p

THE EARTH IS FULL GO HOME

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!

Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion

The 2 most common elements in the universe are hyd

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

The older you get, the better you realize you were

The only substitute for good manners is fast refle

The original point and click interface was a Smith

The proctologist called...they found your head.

The trouble with life is there's no background mus

There is always one more imbecile than you counted

They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was alread

Things are more like they used to be than they are

This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent l

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who

Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills a

Time is what keeps everything from happening at on

To all you virgins: Thanks for nothing!

To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not

Today's subliminal message is: ( )

Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

Undercover super model

Veni, Vidi, Vici

Visualize Whirled Peas

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they ap

Wax on, Wax off

We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things ge

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMAR

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice

What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.

What is a "free" gift ? Aren't all gifts free?

Whatever kind of look you were going for, you miss

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets p

When everything's coming your way, you're in the w

When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case he

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you"

Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my ha

Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you c

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot

With a calendar, your days are numbered.

Women like silent men, they think they're listenin

Women should put pictures of missing husbands on b

Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

Work Harder! Millions on welfare depend on you.

Work is for people who don't know how to fish

Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be

Yield to temptation; it may not pass your way agai

You are depriving some poor village of its idiot!

You have the right to remain silent....Anything yo

You never really learn to swear until you learn to

You! Off my planet!

You're just jealous because the voices are talking

Your kid may be an honor student but you're still

Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.

look but dont touch

you get what you get, dont have a fit.

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